Catching Up…

First off, I just want to say, fuck you to all my fellow bloggers who’ve continued to write and produce shit while I’ve pissed away the weeks eating garbage then shamed myself into gym workouts that launch me directly into early arthritis. I’ve spent the last month with a mysterious hip/groin pain that I subsequently […]

Unicorn Glitter In My Pocket

Ego: A nasty little trinket with occasional value Upon exiting the birth canal, each of us was handed to a nurse. It was there that the mucus was cleared from our airways, we were hung from our feet, slapped on the ass, and swaddled in an ego blanket. This blanket, ordinary by all outward appearance, […]

Romanticizing Revenge

I wasn’t born a bitch. At least, I don’t think that’s how it happened. I had an unremarkable childhood. Two alcoholic parents, a dog that hated me, a cat with one functioning eye, and 60 extra lbs. that I carried until was 17 and developed a handy eating disorder. Totally normal. I knew I was […]

2nd Best Parental Celebration Day

Our vaginas will never be the same, but sure, you can have an entire day, too. No matter how I slice this turd cake, someone is gonna get pissed. With any luck, I’ll offend both sides equally. Dad, before I begin, I just want you to know that I love you. And, that I’ll probably […]

Doing Life Wrong

Manufactured situational disrespect, a smattering of fashion tourettes, & sprinklings of “are you fucking serious?” I never wake up thinking, I’m totally winning at life! Quite the contrary, in fact. Most days, I pray I stumble through without doing irreparable damage to myself, my son (too late), or my car. The Lobster is already hip […]

The New Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me! I finally gave up on Blogspot. Fuck that shitshow! For the better part of 6 months friends and family have been telling me that they haven’t been able to post comments on my blog without first submitting to a brief physical exam and submitting DNA for verification. Listen, I don’t much […]