Shower Thoughts

In the shower, my head as far between my legs as I could contort, struggling to locate the ingrown hair I’d found while washing, I thought: This is it. This is how I die.

But if I can get rid of this ingrown hair, will being found naked by paramedics and firefighters in the fetal position with a mirror in my hands between my legs have all been worth it? Yes! Fuck ingrown hairs and fuck modesty!

I shave my pussy. Some of you may not understand how dangerous that it for someone like myself; someone who is always in a goddamn hurry and also lacks patience or tolerance for bullshit. Unless you’ve had your face buried deep in a few different ham sandwiches, (lights on boys, no fucking around) or you’ve watched a fuck-ton of porn, (preferably with binoculars) you may not understand the labyrinth of skin our vaginas can be. Kinda like your scrotum but with deeper fissures and much more attractive. *Attractiveness subject to the owner of said vagina, the feelings you have for this woman, and actual aesthetics. Some are hideous – Tanya I’m talking to you*

Are there alternatives to shaving so that I avoid the occasional ingrown hair? Sure. Let’s discuss this.

Waxing

Waxing is fun if you enjoy taking your pants off for strangers. Let’s start there. Some of you are like, “Hey, that doesn’t sound like a bad deal, tell me more.”

Waxing parlors are scouting grounds for producers in the porn industry. Tell me I’m wrong. All vagina all day long. Well…that and sweaty, nervous assholes. No thank you. When I think of all the people arriving before me with that ‘fresh from the gym’ thing going for them, or even just nervous and sweaty in the waiting room, then putting bare ass to tabletop, I immediately think: that’ll be a hard pass for me. 

If I’m going to catch a venereal disease (or fungus) it’s going to be because I banged a “someday” musician in the back of his van, not because of a 16 yr. old who didn’t sanitize after the last Brazilian with a bonus anal bleaching appointment.

Complimentary with your first anal bleaching: Chemical burn and free calming ointment! Free antibiotics after your 3rd case of bacterial vaginosis! Call today to make an appointment! Friendly staff on hand, ready to assist and speak condescendingly towards you!

I didn’t let my boyfriend, now husband, perform oral sex with the lights on for exactly 3 months, 2 weeks, and 4 days. If Angela wants to swab my twat with hot wax, only to rip it off causing excruciating pain, she’s gonna have to offer me more than what I got out of the last deal: marriage and bonus permanent fix-it guy. I’m not the kind of girl, Angela.

Let It Fro

I’ll only briefly touch on this one because it’s not 1970-anything and because the thought of summer and your hairy vagina trapped in cotton (I’ll slit your throat if you say they’re silk) underwear makes me want to wretch – for the love of your labia and your neighbor, just shave it. At least trim your shit nice and tight. Listen, I don’t care what you do with yourself for the most part, but when it’s hot outside and you’re a musty bitch, remember that you aren’t the only one affected by your decisions. We suffer too.

#1 reason to trim or shave: So that your bikini area doesn’t look like Cthulhu wearing a surgeon’s mask.

That’s all I’ll say on this topic for the moment, I’ve got some lady gardening to attend to. I sure as shit hope you do too. I don’t care how, just get that shit done.

3 thoughts on “Shower Thoughts

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