Wax on, Wax off

The evolution of the razor is glorious. The very first razor I used was a single-blade, blue, Bic men’s razor. I recall looking into the rusted corners of that razor and thinking I’m a woman now – I’ve arrived. Looking back, I’m horrified. I nicked myself several times with that royal blue bacteria factory. It’s […]

Swish

I’m back at it! Watch this only if you ain’t got shit else to do and you’re not squeamish. It’s really not that bad, I’m just trying to hook you into watching my video. There is singing though – you’ve been warned! Be thankful that I refrained from uploading the photo I took of the […]

Is This The End?

It’s been some time since I’ve been genuinely irritated by someone. I think there might be something seriously wrong with me. While I categorically deny being near a nervous breakdown over the recent loss of my ID at the San Diego airport, I maintain I was not irritated. I even kept my cool with the […]

Adorable American Terrorist

Standing 5’7″ tall and weighing 130 lbs., I, apparently am the threat of the month at TSA San Diego International Airport. Denver’s airport as well. The Lobster and I were invited to a friend’s wedding last weekend. This would mean a trip to Colorado. I was excited to meet my husband’s friends and pleased to […]

Catching Up…

First off, I just want to say, fuck you to all my fellow bloggers who’ve continued to write and produce shit while I’ve pissed away the weeks eating garbage then shamed myself into gym workouts that launch me directly into early arthritis. I’ve spent the last month with a mysterious hip/groin pain that I subsequently […]

Unicorn Glitter In My Pocket

Ego: A nasty little trinket with occasional value Upon exiting the birth canal, each of us was handed to a nurse. It was there that the mucus was cleared from our airways, we were hung from our feet, slapped on the ass, and swaddled in an ego blanket. This blanket, ordinary by all outward appearance, […]

Romanticizing Revenge

I wasn’t born a bitch. At least, I don’t think that’s how it happened. I had an unremarkable childhood. Two alcoholic parents, a dog that hated me, a cat with one functioning eye, and 60 extra lbs. that I carried until was 17 and developed a handy eating disorder. Totally normal. I knew I was […]

2nd Best Parental Celebration Day

Our vaginas will never be the same, but sure, you can have an entire day, too. No matter how I slice this turd cake, someone is gonna get pissed. With any luck, I’ll offend both sides equally. Dad, before I begin, I just want you to know that I love you. And, that I’ll probably […]