Check Yer Semantics

You’re not triggered. You’re lazy and entitled.

This incursion of assholes using the word “triggered” to describe everyday events has to end.

I’m not against those who’ve legitimately suffered a trauma using the word to signal others when something has affected them. Get that shit off your chest. Also, get some help. Don’t stay damaged. You end up hurting others when left unchecked. Plus, you owe it to yourself to heal.

There, my good deed bullshit is done. Now let’s get ugly.

If you’ve ever used the word “triggered” to describe your workplace and you’ve never faced some sort of traumatic physical or sexual discrimination, I’m talking to you. GET OVER IT. Grow a pair and confront your bullshit. Chances are, you’re sensitive and don’t like being told that being late to work each morning but still managing to saunter through with a Starbucks cup is unacceptable behavior. This may have taken place in front of co-workers. While it’s not best business practices, it isn’t trigger inducing either. You, my dear, are an entitled little bitch.

If your boss doesn’t scream at you that you’re a helpless fuckwit and not worth the money that he or she pays you, you do not get the right to be triggered. Even under these circumstances, you have options. You have an HR department you can visit. You can begin looking for a new job. What’s not acceptable is taking that bullshit and turning it into an opportunity to garner attention from others. Pedal your manufactured pain elsewhere and take your lukewarm latte with you.

Kids today are triggered. Are you fucking kidding me? These little shitstains have cell phones and wearable tech before they’re 13 in most cases. I was brown baggin’ my lunch and used the eyesore that was mounted in the kitchen on the wall to make phone calls. Some of you may remember them as landlines. We had VHS, and owning a Walkman was a luxury item. Triggered my ass. I’ll trigger something.

If you’ve never heard a tiny blonde in yoga pants tell her BFF about how she was so triggered in the parking lot because “That lady totally saw that I was waiting for that space and then she snatched. I told her I had been waiting for it and she was like, “Yeah, but I got there first.” let me tell you – it’s an experience.

You are not triggered, you spandex happy, victim monkey! You’re just a fucking miserable cunt with too much time on her hands and an unhealthy relationship with attention. Please stop. Take up a hobby, like excessive online shopping or cardio kickboxing. Whatever it is that angry white women who don’t know that they’re angry do. Clearly, yoga (if you’re even really participating and not just wearing the pants) isn’t cutting it, Sarah.

I’m sincerely concerned when I examine the direction we’re all headed. I mean, every day I could be triggering people simply by interacting with them. You could be triggering uncounted people also. Completely unaware, we could be triggering hoards of sensitive little twats who are then going to run around spreading that damage. Fuck climate change, famine, disease, war and anything else we’re up against. We’re all going to just pussy ourselves out of existence.

The only people left will be those that have actually suffered traumatic events. Those motherfuckers know how to survive. They know how to survive and actually thrive. They’ve come back from disastrous events and remade themselves – built themselves stronger.

Daniel’s whining about not knowing how to behave because of the #metoo movement. Daniel is just an ordinary guy. Most of you are. We ask you to use your brains. Don’t lie to yourselves. If you’re trying to touch our tits, we know. If you’re just being a friend, we sense that shit, too. Daniel, you are not fucking triggered in the workplace by these “new rules.” You’re desperate to fit in somewhere. How about this, don’t be a dumbfuck? You don’t want us emasculating you, we don’t want you objectifying us. If you force my hand, I will have no problem circulating a rumor that you have micro penis and concoct a story to accompany it. I’ll even find a photo of a mini penis and claim it’s yours. God bless the internet.

Don’t do shitty shit and you won’t have to wonder if you fall into a category.

Katie is triggered by damn near everything. I could spend an eternity on Katie. She’s special. That’s the problem. Katie is so fucking special that she believes she’s entitled to a special set of rules. When these rules aren’t adhered to or are colored outside of, Katie gets triggered. When Katie gets triggered, everyone has to hear about it. Everyone includes people in the immediate vicinity. Katie will repeat this story several times over to garner as much attention and sympathy as possible. Each time she tells the story there is a new detail or it’s told with more wild enthusiasm. Do your part to ensure Katie’s of the world are stopped – check your goddamn semantics. Are you triggered or are you just upset?

For the love of sweet baby Jesus and the giant loaf of Wonder Bread in the sky, question yourselves before you say you’re triggered by something. You’re making us all out to be soft pussies and Betty White would not be pleased. Not pleased at all. She might be triggered.

7 thoughts on “Check Yer Semantics

  1. I always considered myself to be a somewhat sensitive type growing up — but today’s pussies make me seem like I had an iron core.

    Man, my buddy Greg’s old roommate. Cabbie, back in the day would have fit in perfectly with today’s age of triggered entitlement. He quit his new job at Pizza Hut because after punching in for his shift right on time he immediately took a smoke break. His boss told him to get his fat ass to work and if he wanted a smoke, get to work early. Cabbie found his boss to be abusive and unreasonable and quit on the spot.


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